[Trigger warning: depression, thoughts of self-harm, and intimacy are brought up briefly in this post. You wouldn't expect it in a post about cookies, but there it is. Wanted to bring it up for individuals for whom these topics may be triggering.] 

During my time away from the blog, I made a lot of cookies. And by that I mean two batches or so every week for about two months. In retrospect, I believe I was possessed by a cookie demon, an apron-clad creature that breathes flour from its nose, has beaters instead of hands, and whose eyes are glazed sticky sweet with honey. My kitchen became host to mixing bowls in the sink, flour on the floor, and a tin of cookies on the counter at all times. I fed my housemates cookies. I bestowed cookies upon friends. I wooed with cookies. Yes, wooed. And of course, I consumed many of them myself. 

My baking bonanza was part of a larger pattern of self-indulgence that started last fall. I had been weaning off my drugs since last October after two years of heavy antibiotic treatment for Lyme Disease and related tickborne co-infections. My doctor had told me that I was in remission, and we should try running an experiment to see how my body behaved without treatment. I took my last pill in late November. In a somewhat reckless (yet well-deserved) move, I celebrated. Caution, moderation, and self-control are not my natural and preferred methods of approaching the world. I've had to develop them in the last few years out of health-related necessity, and I managed to drum up gumption that I didn't know I had. I was so tired of regulating myself. So I threw care to the wind. I let go. I cheered myself with wine and coffee and all number of things that I had forbade myself from partaking in the last 4 years, returning to a slightly amended version of my habits of old. Concurrently, I indulged my heart and body, spending obsessive amounts of time in a blissed out haze of crushy giddiness with a pleasure rebel of equal measure to me. I laughed more than I'd laughed in years, shaking up the dust and cobwebs from prior years of sick sorrow. I fed parts of my soul that had lay hungry for far too long. 

It was all so needed, a medicine all of its own. I knew all of that was a recipe for inevitable intense consequence, but I didn't care. I wanted to experience every moment the present so badly, so I did. 

Everything hit an unfortunately timed wall in the desolate grey of mid-February, a tsunami wave of intrinsically cyclical circumstances. Cookies, wine, and losing time in starry-eyed explorations were replaced by new antibiotic regimens, detox baths, and days lost in battling Herxes from Hell. I was in physical and emotional crisis. My behaviors had fed my soul, but had also fed all the sleeping bugs in my system and brought them back to life. I had symptoms I hadn't experienced in months and years. I felt nauseous from the drugs in my system and the lonely pit in my stomach.  My head throbbed and shooting pains transversed my flesh. Worse yet, my swinging manic depressive cycles joined forces with a wicked Bartonella brain freakout and an aching heart, forming an unholy trinity of psychological destruction. Thoughts of self-harm wracked my brain, unlike any I'd had in years. It was terrifying. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, nights were silent and solitary. I struggled to unravel the pain, grappling to discern what to attribute to the flare in my illnesses, or to side effects from the pharmaceuticals, or to the deep depression, or to the unraveling of intimacy. I was plagued by frustration for taking everything "too far", indulging "too much", feeling "too deeply". I thrived at very little other than taking my pills, crying, watching Netflix, and writing depressing poetry.

What a clutsterf***.  

And yet, the old adage remains: time is the great healer of all things. Within a few weeks, a switch had flipped. My body began to acclimate, my depression started to lift, my lonliness slowly subsided. Some light poked through the clouds and I flocked to it. And now, I'm feeling pretty good, all things considered. Matters of the body, mind, and heart have all achieved a certain level of balance and redefinition and appreciation. Times like this are for learning, growing, and self-reflection. It takes patience and faith and hard work. Sometimes it sucks. But in my experience things usually end up better after a bout like this. And thankfully, they have. 

I'm not baking many cookies right now. My tendancy to overindulge doesn't bode well with the way antibiotics effect my body, so I'm putting on the brakes the best I can. But have a storehouse of recipes from my winter baking binge to revisit. I made these little love nuggets last weekend for a potluck, to great delight of all who ate. They are loaded with all kinds of stuff, a celebration of all the ways I like to overdo. But the gluttony is tempered by whole grains and healthy fat and sensible sweeteners. It's the sort of balance I am trying to achieve. 

Totally Loaded Oatmeal Raisin Cookies  (gluten-free, dairy-free, cane sugar-free)

yields 3 dozen 3-inch cookies

In addition to boasting whole grains, raisins, cashews, and coconut, these cookies are totally loaded with protein, fiber, and amino acids. Sweet.

A few tips on the fat. Make sure to use softened - not melted - coconut oil. If you are a butter eater, an equal weight of butter can be substituted. Also, chill the dough in the fridge for 3-4 hours before baking. Why? Chilling the dough hardens the coconut oil and shortening, so it doesn't melt as quickly while the cookies are baking. Instead of spreading out like weird pancakes and ending up lacy and thin, cookies baked from chilled dough spread gradually and end up slightly chewy in the middle and crisp on the outside. Totally worth the wait, trust me. And besides, it gives you lots of time to sneak into the fridge and eat spoonfulls of dough. Because duh, why else bake cookies?!

• 90 grams / 0.75 cup quinoa flour or amaranth flour*
• 60 grams / scant 0.5 cup arrowroot starch or arrowroot flour (equal weight of tapioca flour or tapioca starch can be substituted)
• 40 grams / 0.25 cup buckwheat flour 
• 5 grams / 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 5 grams / 0.75 teaspoon salt
• 9 grams / 1 tablespoon + 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 150 grams / 0.5 cup + 3.5 tablespoons softened virgin coconut oil 
• 75 grams / 0.25 cup + 2 tablespoons palm shortening
• 170 grams / 1 cup palm sugar (or equal weight of another granulated sugar, such as coconut sugar)
• 80 grams / 0.25 cup maple syrup
• 2 large eggs
• 8 grams / 2 teaspoons gluten-free vanilla extract
• 290 grams / 3 cups gluten-free rolled oats
• 225 grams / 1.5 cup lightly packed raisins
• 85 grams / 1 cup shredded unsweetened coconut
• 100 grams / 0.75 cup toasted chopped cashews

In a medium bowl, whisk together flours, baking soda, and salt until well combined and light. Set aside.

In a large bowl, cream coconut oil and shortening until smooth and fluffy. Then add sugar, maple syrup, and vanilla and beat until smooth (some sugar granules may remain, that's okay). Add eggs and mix just until they are evenly combined. Gradually add flour and mix until evenly incorporated.

Then fold in oats, raisins, coconut, and cashews with a large sturdy spoon or spatula. Cover dough with plastic wrap and chill in the refrigerator for 3-4 hours.

Heat oven to 350º F and line baking sheets with parchment. Scoop chilled dough onto a baking sheet, leaving 3 inches or so between each cookie. Bake for approximately 16 minutes per batch, rotating pans half way through if baking two sheets at a time. Cookies should still be soft in the middle but browned around the edges, then remove from oven.

Let cool for 5 minutes before carefully transferring cookies to a wire rack to finish cooling. Store cooled cookies in a well-sealed jar, container, or bag at room temperature for up to 4 days (although they won't last that long).

*Flour Power! If you can't find quinoa or amaranth flour for purchase, or if you want to save some ching, grind your own. Simply place whole quinoa or amaranth grains in a high powered blender like a Vitamix or a coffee grinder, and grind until you create very fine flour with an even texture. So easy and so fresh!

a scoop of tuna & chickpea salad over baby greens and edible flowers is a delicious light meal

I like to mix tuna with beans for simple salads. The tuna provides pure protein while the beans provide a mix of protein and complex carbohydrates. Add olive oil for healthy fat, and hooray, you have a versatile framework for a satisfying and nutrient dense meal. Build upon this basic framework by adding any variety of herbs, spices, or other ingredients. 

This time around, I combined tuna and chickpeas with green olives, basil, lime juice, olive oil, and pinch of cayenne pepper.  If you can eat cheese, a bit of crumbled feta in this salad would be really fab. I served it over mixed baby greens for light and nourishing meal, but it would be great served in a brown rice tortilla or a collard leaf for an easy wrap, or served as an open-face sandwich on a slice of your favorite gluten-free bread. 

If you like the looks of this recipe, you might also like these recipes...

• Basil-Lime Tuna Salad (GF, ACD, contains lime juice)
• Spicy Tuna & Black Bean Salad with Romaine and Chile-Toasted Pepitas (GF, ACD, contains lime juice)

Apparently, I like tuna with lime juice!

Tuna & Chickpea Salad with Olives and Basil

Yield: 2-4 servings

This simple salad is a breeze to prepare and very delicious. Serve as a salad on its own, or scoop over greens or use in a wrap. The high protein content balanced with complex carbohydrates and healthy fat makes this a satisfying and nourishing addition to any meal. And it's affordable to boot!

If you have soy allergies, be sure to check the ingredients on your tuna. Many varieties of tuna contain vegetable broth that contains soy. I often buy soy-free water-packed tuna from  the brands Genova, American Tuna (BPA-free can), Wild Planet (BPA-free can), or Natural Value (will be BPA-free soon), or from Trader Joe's (BPA-free can). All of these tunas are packed in water and are dolphin safe. 

• 1 5-oz. can water-packed tuna (salted or unsalted)
• 1 15-oz. can chickpeas (approx. 1 3/4 cup)
• 1/4 small red onion
• 1 small garlic clove
• 10 large fresh sweet Italian basil leaves
• 8 large green olives (pimiento-stuffed or not, your choice)
• two glugs of extra virgin olive oil
• juice from 1 lime
• salt and freshly cracked pepper, to taste
• 1-2 pinches of cayenne pepper, to taste

Drain tuna and chickpeas, and rinse chickpeas thoroughly. Place in a medium bowl.

To prepare herb and vegetables, peel the onion and garlic then mince, and add to bowl with chickpeas and tuna. Slice basil in a chiffonade, then thinly slice the green olives cross-wise to create rounds. Add basil and olives to bowl and toss ingredients together lightly with a fork. Add olive oil, lime juice, and seasonings, stir to combine with a fork, and adjust seasoning to taste.  Let sit for 5-10 minutes for flavors to meld, then serve. 

Leftovers can be stored in the refrigerator for 3 days. 

HINT: if you want to use this as a sandwich filling or wrap filling, I would recommend lightly mashing the chickpeas before adding the tuna and other ingredients. That way, your chickpeas won't roll right out of your sandwich! A potato masher or a pastry cutter works great for mashing chickpeas, as does a fork. 

If you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring two spices with you, what would they be?

For me, this answer is simple: smoked Spanish paprika and cumin. The rich color, intense flavor, and incredible fragrance of smoked paprika makes my heart swoon, and the complex acrid flavor of cumin makes me weak in the knees. Without these two spices, my kitchen would seriously suffer. So would my taste buds!  They make everything taste good, working wonders on roasted vegetables, meats and poultry, and grain dishes. 

My most recent spiced rice dish exhibits my adoration of smoked Spanish paprika and cumin. It also displays my love for the coriander plant, combining both the dry ground seeds and the fresh leaves (a.k.a. cilantro). These herbs and spices enliven simple ingredients and create a wonderfully flavored dish that accentuates any meal. 

Spiced grain dishes like this one are a great staple for your weekly meal rotation. They are easy to prepare, affordable, nutritious, and wonderfully satisfying. If you have a rice cooker, making grain dishes is even easier, as you can simply flip the switch, walk away, and return to find perfectly cooked rice. I hardly ever cook rice on the stovetop anymore!

Paprika Rice

yield: 6 servings

The rich, alluring flavor of smoked Spanish paprika flavors this dish. It is easy to prepare and very delicious, making it the perfect side dish for just about anything. The flavors are especially good with Mexican or Spanish inspired meals, grilled chicken or tilapia flavored with lime juice and chile powder, or Mexican chorizo. For a quick meal, top hot paprika rice with a fried egg - keep the yolk soft for an extra delicious twist - and serve with sauerkraut. 

• 1 1/2 cups brown basmati rice
• 1/2 medium yellow onion, finely chopped
• 1 celery stalk, finely chopped
• 1 small carrot, peeled and finely chopped
• 6 small garlic cloves, peeled and minced
• 3 cups water, broth, or mix (I did half and half)
• 3/4 tsp unrefined salt
• 2 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil
• 1 1/2 tsp smoked Spanish paprika
• 1 tsp ground cumin
• 1/2 tsp ground coriander
• 2-3 Tbsp finely chopped cilantro, or more to taste
• unrefined salt and freshly cracked pepper, to taste
• optional garnishes: extra virgin olive oil, chopped cilantro, smoked Spanish paprika

Soak rice in 6 cups of water for 6-12 hours. Drain rice in a fine colander, and discard water. Rinse rice very well. Place rice in a rice cooker with vegetables, broth/water, olive oil, salt, smoked paprika, cumin, and coriander.  Stir together, then place cover on rice cooker and cook per manufacturer's recommendation.

If you don't have a rice cooker, do the same thing but place in a pot on the stovetop. Bring to a boil, then cover and reduce to a simmer. Let cook about 45 minutes, until liquid is absorbed and rice is tender.

Remove cover and toss rice with a fork. Add fresh cilantro to hot rice and stir, seasoning with salt and freshly cracked pepper to taste. Transfer to a serving bowl, and if desired, drizzle with olive oil and garnish with additional chopped fresh cilantro and a dusting of smoked paprika. Serve.

Store leftovers in a well-sealed container in the refrigerator for up to 5 days.